The Winter In My Heart Turns To Spring

I'm starting this not knowing exactly what I want to say. I guess I feel I need to catch up. I've started a Mirror Book, as well as a Book of Shadows. I've performed a spell. One was interrupted, so I'm not counting it. I feel in tune with nature. I feel...joyous. Even though things in my life seem to be falling to pieces. Or maybe the pieces were never meant to fit together. Either way, rough changes are being made. Life is taking an abrupt turn. I'm just thankful that I have my Wicca to see me through. I got two Scott Cunningham books, and I find myself mourning his death. He died the year after I was born, but I feel we could have been kindred spirits. He seems to take my feelings on Wicca and give them life. I'm so thankful to have been able to learn from him. He was a great man. A great Wicca. I wonder where he is now...

Come what may, let Wicca guide my way.
Gentle breezes.

Willow

BoS

I've come to realize that, while this could very well be my own virtual Book of Shadows, I wish to take little notes of things on paper. Maybe something I can carry with me always. I have many things about myself that I strive to perfect, and my Hunger and Persistence. Sadly, I seem to get wrapped up in the world and allow it to consume all of my time. I have values that I have yet to live up to. But I think I might deserve a small pat on the back for recognizing these things and striving to change them, all the while still pertaining a degree of love for myself. (Everyone should love themselves to a degree, don't you think?)


I hope I can be a credit to the Lord and Lady.

Invocation of the God and Goddess

I found this on a website, and instantly I fell in love. It touched me, because it IS me. It feels so RIGHT. I admit, I have been fading back once again. Why does it seem so hard to stay true to my faith? Perhaps because I have trouble staying true to myself... I want to be touched by the Goddess. I want to feel her presence within me. I want to feel her love. Yes, it is selfish. I cannot be selfish. I strive to be worthy of Her. Of both of Them. May the Lord and Lady watch over me. Over all of us.


I gazed upon your faces,
in the darkness and the light
I sought your wisdom in the stars
in the fabric of the night.
I looked in books both new and old,
and heard my own heart beating
I looked to find your story,
and so I kept on reading.
To think a thing and make it happen
was your gift to all.
So simple, yet so difficult,
yet you're there at beck and call
in every flower, leaf and bud,
in cat, and snake, and bee
but what is most amazing
is that you are found in me.
Perfect love and perfect peace
will make conditions right
and from that place that's not a place
the form will come to light.
I lift my heart to touch you,
there is magic to be done
and all I need is knowing
that you and I are one.


For more, please visit the website I found this at: http://www.angelfire.com/moon2/mystique_angel/Home.html

Step Three: Let Go

Anyone who knows me can testify that I'm always dreaming. I can't help it. I was born with my head in the clouds, and it rather likes it up there. It's always running off, imagining a different life, another reality. Imaginings that I'm only too happy to share. I'm always eager to talk about my future plans, everywhere I'll go, places I'll live, things I'll see and do, my many future husbands. Something I hardly ever talk about, however, is what I have now, in the present, and how much it means to me. It is the Centre of me, the part that could burst with love and emotion, yet remains as calm and smooth as a skipping stone that sits on the shelf for a future day, ever constant, ever patient. It's that part of me that looks reflectivly at the world around me, at myself. I see the silhouettes of the trees against the darkening sky, hear the whispering wind while the crickets and frogs chatter away, and I feel Peace in that Centre, strong and fierce. There is no place I would rather be than Here, Now, in this Moment. My family means the world to me, and I have them. I have this beautiful home in the country, just outside a beautiful small town in a beautiful piece of the world. I have a wonderful little dog, fat, ugly, and perfectly adorable all at once. I have a cat who fears everything that moves but doesn't mind if you squash her in the night. And with all of this I have a feeling of golden warmth that washes over me in waves. How could I dream of other lives? How could I be in want? I have everything Right Here. Only, Right Here, this Moment, that's a dream too, isn't it? Because my life can't be like those movies and books that so inspire me. When the credits fly by or the cover closes, that's it. Those moments captured inside remain frozen in time forever, waiting for someone to relive them again. And I can't close the cover. I can't wait for the credits and go back to relive my favorite parts. Life keeps going. I have to walk out that door every morning and leave my little slice of heaven behind. I have to go to school, find a job, deal with a world that's crumbling at the edges. One day that door will be closed to me forever and someone else will inhabit this safe haven. It will become a Home to someone else. Then what will I do? I so desperately want to remain here forever, just hold on these walls around me and never let go. I love my Home. I love my Family, biological and emotional. I know I have to let them go, and that will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. My heart says Stay when my head says Move On. I delve into books and movies because it's easier to read about someone else's life than having to Keep On Tryin' with your own. It's easier to re-read than take the next step. I never have to truly let go. So when will I grow some balls and take that step through the door? I dream about Wonderland and Narnia, long for Hogwarts and Camelot; how do I know they're not waiting for me beyond that door? Perhaps I'm living in a wardrobe or a cupboard under the stairs and all I need is a good firm -shove-. I guess all I can do is Listen With [my] Heart and hope to understand. I've gotta Follow That Dream, Wherever That Dream May Lead. The Road Goes Ever On And On. Maybe I just need someone to Hold my Hand. Either way, these things are keeping me away from Growing. I need to figure out what my true beliefs are and stay faithful to them. I guess in order to do that, I need to let go of some things. The questions is: Can I?

Step two: learn to accept the criticism of others.

And I believe I have! Well, at least by one standpoint. I came across someones blog today, and the man seemed to be bashing Wiccans, giving them quite the bad name. I was very impressed to see, however, that he wasn't the typical ignorant. HE HAD DONE HIS RESEARCH! Huzzah, someone intelligent presenting a challange! Okay, I confess, this was not my innital thought. My first response was to be somewhat rankled. I felt a sadness touch my soul at the prejudice I felt eminating from this page toward people like ME. I mean, can't we all just get along? But after I left a comment explaining my viewpoints, something glorious happened. I got an intelligent, non hostile reply! O, joyous day! This man explained his viewpoints to me, as well; he talked of what he meant and where he stands. He was also quite curteous, and used an excellent Lord of the Rings reference. (Obviously a man with good taste, don't you agree?) But listening to this man so against Wiccanism brought something wonderful to light: I had been a hypocrit. I, who so despises hypocracy. You see, where I had been asking him not to judge all Wiccans by those who pervert the faith or use it to meet their own ends, I had been slightly judging him. How? Because I had been rankled by his point of view! I have no right to that. Sure, I can't always help how I feel or react to things, but still! I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, ideals, morals, etc., and yet I had been angry at his point of view. It's none of my business, really, what he thinks, worships, believes, or where he stands. (No matter how interesting and oddly refreshing I find it.) He has the right to be happy and live is life as he chooses! (Which is absolutely beautiful.) So, my good sir, if you happen upon this eventually, my most sincere apologies. And I feel I must thank you, too. You've enabled me to change a part of myself that needed changing (or at least a little modifying). In some odd way, you've contributed to my Journey. And I believe, in part, you've helped me with my next step to become a better person.

May you be blessed by the belief of your choosing.
Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.

Step one: Attempt to satisfy the Hunger.

It's been nagging at me for years, this pull on my soul. It seems to have latched on tightly. My first instinct was to follow it, satisfy my curiosity with research. Of course, I was twelve or thirteen years old at the time and didn't really understand what the word "Wiccan" meant. Oh sure, I did my research and learned about the Lord and Lady. I was completely fascinated by it all. Of course, I do believe my mind was more captured by the temptations of magick than anything. Anyway, it didn't seem to matter as much after I was found out by my parents, who didn't [and most likely still don't] take too well to the word "magick." Or the word "wicca," for that matter. You see, they were brought up to believe the typical stereotypes. And that anything other than believing in their God was evil. At the time I was furious, but now I understand a bit better. I was young, for one. (Well, youngER.) And two, they have their beliefs, and they certainly didn't want their daughter to go to hell! As much as I wish they could understand, and as much as I will eventually try to make them understand, I respect that they were just doing what they thought was best for me in their hearts. I couldn't ask for better parents. Nevertheless, I shall remain in the Broom Closet for now, as I research my little heart out. You see, after that little tiff with my parents I tried to fight the pull, and eventually pushed it down deep within me. I even started going to Youth Group and church with my friends. I even thought I believed! Well, for a few weeks, anyway. But then it hit me: I didn't really, truly believe in what they said about the one and only THEIR god. I just got wrapped up in the energy within them, surrounding them as they worshipped and sang and danced. And I confess, I loved it. How can anyone not admire such passion? But the past month or so that pull that I had supressed for so long came rushing back to me. Now, at 18 years old, I finally completely give in, with nothing holding me back. The Hunger in me for the Lord and Lady, The One, to learn as much as possible and keep devouring every bit of knowledge I can find, is truly overpowering. Intoxicating, really. Some of the things I've read have truly moved me to tears. Because they feel like home. Wicca honestly feels like home to me. It's the most amazing feeling, and I know there is more to come along the journey. The only issues I currently face are: trying to get ahold of actually reading material (I need books!), contacting other Wiccans, Witches, or Pagans, (any Nature Based religion or belief, really. It would just be nice to have some guidance, someone to talk to), and having to hide such a huge part of myself from everyone I love (hello, dark comfy Broom Closet!). It's hard, being eclectic, in the Broom Closet, and no one to turn to. But that doesn't mean I'm not happier than I've ever been. This truly seems to be the path for me. I'd like to study for a year and a day before I make the decision to innitiate myself. That's a promise to the Lord and Lady, and I always keep my promises to the best of my ability. So I'd like to make sure this is who I am.

Step two remains to be seen until tomorrow. My poor eyes refuse to stay open any longer.

If anyone happens to stumble upon this and might have some information for me, please don't hesitate. Comments, information, criticism, and friends are always welcome.

Blessed be!

Fairynne