Step Three: Let Go

Anyone who knows me can testify that I'm always dreaming. I can't help it. I was born with my head in the clouds, and it rather likes it up there. It's always running off, imagining a different life, another reality. Imaginings that I'm only too happy to share. I'm always eager to talk about my future plans, everywhere I'll go, places I'll live, things I'll see and do, my many future husbands. Something I hardly ever talk about, however, is what I have now, in the present, and how much it means to me. It is the Centre of me, the part that could burst with love and emotion, yet remains as calm and smooth as a skipping stone that sits on the shelf for a future day, ever constant, ever patient. It's that part of me that looks reflectivly at the world around me, at myself. I see the silhouettes of the trees against the darkening sky, hear the whispering wind while the crickets and frogs chatter away, and I feel Peace in that Centre, strong and fierce. There is no place I would rather be than Here, Now, in this Moment. My family means the world to me, and I have them. I have this beautiful home in the country, just outside a beautiful small town in a beautiful piece of the world. I have a wonderful little dog, fat, ugly, and perfectly adorable all at once. I have a cat who fears everything that moves but doesn't mind if you squash her in the night. And with all of this I have a feeling of golden warmth that washes over me in waves. How could I dream of other lives? How could I be in want? I have everything Right Here. Only, Right Here, this Moment, that's a dream too, isn't it? Because my life can't be like those movies and books that so inspire me. When the credits fly by or the cover closes, that's it. Those moments captured inside remain frozen in time forever, waiting for someone to relive them again. And I can't close the cover. I can't wait for the credits and go back to relive my favorite parts. Life keeps going. I have to walk out that door every morning and leave my little slice of heaven behind. I have to go to school, find a job, deal with a world that's crumbling at the edges. One day that door will be closed to me forever and someone else will inhabit this safe haven. It will become a Home to someone else. Then what will I do? I so desperately want to remain here forever, just hold on these walls around me and never let go. I love my Home. I love my Family, biological and emotional. I know I have to let them go, and that will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. My heart says Stay when my head says Move On. I delve into books and movies because it's easier to read about someone else's life than having to Keep On Tryin' with your own. It's easier to re-read than take the next step. I never have to truly let go. So when will I grow some balls and take that step through the door? I dream about Wonderland and Narnia, long for Hogwarts and Camelot; how do I know they're not waiting for me beyond that door? Perhaps I'm living in a wardrobe or a cupboard under the stairs and all I need is a good firm -shove-. I guess all I can do is Listen With [my] Heart and hope to understand. I've gotta Follow That Dream, Wherever That Dream May Lead. The Road Goes Ever On And On. Maybe I just need someone to Hold my Hand. Either way, these things are keeping me away from Growing. I need to figure out what my true beliefs are and stay faithful to them. I guess in order to do that, I need to let go of some things. The questions is: Can I?