Step one: Attempt to satisfy the Hunger.

It's been nagging at me for years, this pull on my soul. It seems to have latched on tightly. My first instinct was to follow it, satisfy my curiosity with research. Of course, I was twelve or thirteen years old at the time and didn't really understand what the word "Wiccan" meant. Oh sure, I did my research and learned about the Lord and Lady. I was completely fascinated by it all. Of course, I do believe my mind was more captured by the temptations of magick than anything. Anyway, it didn't seem to matter as much after I was found out by my parents, who didn't [and most likely still don't] take too well to the word "magick." Or the word "wicca," for that matter. You see, they were brought up to believe the typical stereotypes. And that anything other than believing in their God was evil. At the time I was furious, but now I understand a bit better. I was young, for one. (Well, youngER.) And two, they have their beliefs, and they certainly didn't want their daughter to go to hell! As much as I wish they could understand, and as much as I will eventually try to make them understand, I respect that they were just doing what they thought was best for me in their hearts. I couldn't ask for better parents. Nevertheless, I shall remain in the Broom Closet for now, as I research my little heart out. You see, after that little tiff with my parents I tried to fight the pull, and eventually pushed it down deep within me. I even started going to Youth Group and church with my friends. I even thought I believed! Well, for a few weeks, anyway. But then it hit me: I didn't really, truly believe in what they said about the one and only THEIR god. I just got wrapped up in the energy within them, surrounding them as they worshipped and sang and danced. And I confess, I loved it. How can anyone not admire such passion? But the past month or so that pull that I had supressed for so long came rushing back to me. Now, at 18 years old, I finally completely give in, with nothing holding me back. The Hunger in me for the Lord and Lady, The One, to learn as much as possible and keep devouring every bit of knowledge I can find, is truly overpowering. Intoxicating, really. Some of the things I've read have truly moved me to tears. Because they feel like home. Wicca honestly feels like home to me. It's the most amazing feeling, and I know there is more to come along the journey. The only issues I currently face are: trying to get ahold of actually reading material (I need books!), contacting other Wiccans, Witches, or Pagans, (any Nature Based religion or belief, really. It would just be nice to have some guidance, someone to talk to), and having to hide such a huge part of myself from everyone I love (hello, dark comfy Broom Closet!). It's hard, being eclectic, in the Broom Closet, and no one to turn to. But that doesn't mean I'm not happier than I've ever been. This truly seems to be the path for me. I'd like to study for a year and a day before I make the decision to innitiate myself. That's a promise to the Lord and Lady, and I always keep my promises to the best of my ability. So I'd like to make sure this is who I am.

Step two remains to be seen until tomorrow. My poor eyes refuse to stay open any longer.

If anyone happens to stumble upon this and might have some information for me, please don't hesitate. Comments, information, criticism, and friends are always welcome.

Blessed be!

Fairynne